Wifey: Was that a fart or did you just throw away some old Chinese food?
Dad: Uhh…Chinese food.
Do you see what a lack of structure does to me? I break down and go to Taco Bell.
Hopefully this wasn’t used to wipe a butt with…well, it doesn’t smell like diarrhea or anything…should be fine.
Wifey: “My co-worker was like: I had a dream that you got preggo again!”
Dad: “Did she mean nightmare?”
How much fart could possibly come out of that kid?
This justifies my baby head sniffing problem.
I never get any compassion cuz I come off as an asshole.
Another daddy blogger (@dadofdivas) contacted me on Twitter (@ABQdad) asked to interview me the other day for his running piece on what it means to be a father. That sounded like fun. This guy is from Michigan so he had to be “good people”…right? Here are my answers:
Tell me about yourself. I am a 35 year old man-child with a penchant for the largely unprofitable “creative endeavors” in life. I explore those endeavors on my blog: www.bedheadbeautiful.com. I am a school teacher on weekdays and a wannabe professional photographer on weekends. I am from Santa Fe, New Mexico and I made it all the way down to Albuquerque in my quest to eventually get to the beach. I am a die-hard Denver Broncos fan and if any of you talk trash to me I will murder a kitten. I consider myself a well meaning father with much to learn. I am a cracker-jack diaper changer and I know all the lyrics to “hush little baby.” Let’s see, what else…I am addicted to candy and I hide it in the glove compartment. I look forward to flu season so I can drink buckets of NyQuil. I drive a fuel efficient “girly car” and I sometimes get embarrassed. Hmm, oh yeah…I’m in love with my family!
Tell me about your family. Wifey is my devastatingly handsome bride. She serves as my muse, role model, drill sergeant and care taker. She is from the suburbs of Detroit but she likes to roll hard and say she’s from actual Detroit. We met in 2002, kissed in 2004, married in 2010 and became parents in 2013. “Pooper” is the offspring of this perfect union. He likes pooping and peeing and wearing Xmas pajamas. He is the absolute best baby in the world…except during those not-so-pleasant times when he summons the “little baby demons” from within. And it wouldn’t be right not to mention the farthound….our beloved dog who passed away last month. Pooper was just getting to know the poor ol’ dog. Rest in peace farthound.
What has been the largest challenge you have had in being a father? Dealing with my own selfishness. I’ll make no bones about it….I’m a man-diva. I like attention and I’m not afraid to put that out there. I imagine Twitter followers to be my worshippers who cling to my words as if I spoke the gospel. I’ve recently caught myself posing for #selfies with my iphone. This is perhaps my darkest secret. I have yet to snap one but it’s probably going to happen eventually. And why is this challenging? Because it’s not all about me anymore. I have fallen quite a ways down the priority list. On my blog I imagined this list a few months back.
Current Household Food Chain - 6/16/13
What advice would you give to other fathers? Don’t be afraid to ask for help! Honestly, my brain would have melted without the help from friends and family! For example, my aunt surprised us and cleaned our house yesterday! What more could you ask for than to be surrounded by people that do that? Everyone can have that (more or less) depending on your ability to humble yourself and ask for help. I’d like to think that one of my biggest assets as a father is that I know I’m a moron. The more people on deck to help raise this baby the better!
How have you come to balance parenthood and outside life? The phrasing of this question leads me to believe that other dads have in fact found this balance. I have not. After the baby was born I lost 25 pounds in a few months because it was summer and I was a dad riding high on life! Then winter hit and I gained back 20 pounds….all in the span of 9 months! I blame Girl Scout cookies, Michigan micro-brews and a lack of this balance you speak of.
What have you learned from the fathers that you have interacted with? I am new to the bloggy world so I have had limited interactions so far. What I have learned is that I am not the only inattentive dad out there. How on earth do any of you have the time to update blogs and other social networks and still have the time to be half-decent dads? My quick-fix solution is to lower my standards. It seems to me we are all putting our best foot forward online. Let me start a revolution by saying that I hide in the bathroom and feign bowel problems while I contemplate my next Instagram post.
What else would you share regarding your experiences as a father thus far? That I am a baby-head-sniff junkie. The smell of a baby’s head is the meaning of life. If his head smelled any other way I might be a deadbeat dad….but one sniff and I’m in la-la land. I will bend over backward to get this drug. I am the absolute best father in the world when the pooper is tucked neatly in-between my man-boobs with his head bobbling in the sniff zone.
What have been the most memorable experiences that you have had thus far as a parent? BIRTH! I didn’t know I’d be front and center for the proceedings. I figured there’d be a courtesy curtain or something! I thought my job would be to whisper sweet nothings into wifey’s ear and bring her chipped ice to munch on. Nope, my job was left-leg stirrup! This amazingly horrific / best moment of my life is etched in my brain like a retina-burn. Everything since is an amalgam of love, body fluids and coffee.